Posted on October 1st, by Dan Doormouse in 18. No Comments

SuperstarHello, my name is Alan Smithee.  Some of you may know me as the director of fine films such as Gunhed and Blood Sucking Pharaohs In Pittsburgh, but loyal readers of this fine publication will remember me as a man with a bone to pick with Superstar DJs.  Recently I told Matt Massive that a certain Superstar DJ was passing through town.  Now there’s no need to name names here, so he’ll remain as anonymous as I am.  Needless to say, I was asked to interview said Superstar for this magazine, but I didn’t even go to check him out.

Some of you are sitting at home, shaking your heads in disbelief  ‘How could you NOT go?? He’s a Superstar DJ!!’ Well, there are many, many reasons and it’s time someone gave you the straight truth.

Superstar DJs aren’t all that.

I’m sorry.  It had to be said.  Now before you start thinking that I’m going after all your favorite record slinging jocks, let me just say that I’m not. It’s just that in the music industry, just as in the film industry, there’s a lot of behind the scenes crap going on.  There are cool people like David Lynch and David Cronenberg who make kick ass movies, and there are DJs like Richie Hawtin and Jeff Mills who give you all the bang your buck could ask for- but there are also people who make crap films that appeal to the lowest common denominator, their music equivalents are the people you’re advised to avoid.

A favorite story of mine concerns a Canadian Superstar DJ who doesn’t even play records!  He generally hires a couple of locals to spin a set and then does a bit of shouting on the mic to mask their crappy skills.  He gets paid $3000 a night to do that sort of crap, but a lot of people still eat it up.  It’s quite sad, actually.  I don’t think that many of the other Superstar DJs are quite that dishonest, but it is something to watch out for.  For real.

A lot of times Superstar DJs are brought in by promoters you don’t really want to support anyways.  People who don’t have a clue about what the scene is really about, people who just want a big name to draw in the kinds of numbers that keep their noses happy- or both.  A lot of times these parties are remarkably overpriced because promoters know that a Superstar DJ will allow them to get away with it.  Shame on them.  They are taking your money out of your pocket and you’re letting them.  Shame on you.

Think for a moment about what you could have done with the $15+ you forked out on your last disappointing trip to see a Superstar DJ in action. You could have done what I did the other night.  I walked down to the local video store and snapped up a couple of fine Ron Jeremy films (now there’s a Superstar who never disappoints! Go HEDGEHOG go!!!).  The bottom line is that corporately manufactured Superstar DJs are generally people who’ve had more luck generating enthusiastic responses in boardrooms than they have on dancefloors.  A few ‘visionary’ ad men go out and place some spots in the appropriate places, generate some hype, and the average consumer doesn’t catch on until their money has already been spent.  Sometimes this charade goes on for years, sometimes it’s short lived- but now you know the truth.   You know what you need to know to make an informed decision when you look at that fancy flyer and see Superstar DJ Pedophile is doing a special, all-ages gig at Club Rectum for the low, low price of $25.

When your friends ask you why you didn’t show you’ve even got a convenient supply of profound answers about how it affects the scene.   You don’t have to be shallow and say you didn’t want to support someone who does lines of cocaine off the backs of 12 year-old boys.

Say, that Ron Jeremy really is something, isn’t he?  I think I’ll feature him in one of my films.